Friday Funnies – Shiarra Talks About New York City

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra is going to tell you about her take on her home turf, New York City. Over to you, Shia!

______________

A little over ten years ago, when people came to New York City on vacation, it was to see the obvious. You know, the Empire State Building, Central Park, catch a Broadway show—that sort of thing.

These days, it’s a little different. Being a local, I can tell you, it didn’t take long for the new breed of tourist to go from baffling to annoying. All the out-of-towners are nuts. They want to go out of their way to eat at a restaurant run by a werewolf, see a magic show put on by a real mage, or rub elbows with vampires at one of Alec Royce’s bars.

The man’s insufferable. Believe me, I know. You don’t want to mess with the Others, let alone sign one of those contracts that lets them get intimate with you. Sure, all the brochures make it look edgy and exciting to see a real, live monster, but there’s the rub. They are monsters. That’s not something you should forget. As soon as you do, that’s when they’ll pounce, and before you know it you’ve signed your life away on the dotted line.

Yeah, yeah, I see your expression. Stop rolling your eyes. I know, you don’t want to hear about the best pizza places or where to get a decent bialy or how to stay alive in this town. You just want to know what to watch out for when you visit all the Other hot spots, right?

If you take one of those tours and visit The Circle’s high-rise in Manhattan, at first you might think it’s just another corporate office building. You might want to recall that people have died trying to escape the traps and labyrinth in the basement where the sparks hide all of their most powerful artifacts. If someone’s offering you a basement-level tour of a mage hideout, don’t stray from the tour guide, huh?

The werewolves aren’t much better. Maybe the Moonwalkers aren’t so bad—that’s the pack that started this mess when they helped pull people out of the rubble of the Twin Towers and exposed the Others—but if you ever run into a Ravenwood or a Sunstriker, do not walk, run in the other direction. No matter what kind of spin the media has put on things, Weres are dangerous. I know they don’t all eat people, but I’ve seen it happen, and I can promise you that it’s better to play it safe by avoiding them altogether.

Plus, you know, some of them are lying scumbags. Especially a certain blond, blue-eyed pack leader who is currently on my shitlist.

Just saying.

I used to think it wasn’t such a big deal to hang out in vamp-run bars, either. Did I mention I’m a private investigator? Quite a few locals are regulars which means—you guessed it—I follow a lot of leads down there to interview people or catch marks in some unsavory act. Tracking cheating spouses by checking out their haunts has led to me spending more than my fair share of time in places like The Underground and Twisted Temptations.

What? Twisted Temptations? Hey, don’t look at me like that. No, I’m not into that whips and chains stuff, I go there for work! And not that kind of work, either! Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

That place is the scariest of the lot. As you probably gathered from the name, it’s got a very “hurt-me-so-good” theme. If you’re into that sort of thing and you’re feeling particularly suicidal that day, well… I’m not judging, but the vampires who work there scare me more than the usual, run of the mill sort who just want to eat me. Twisted Temptations is something else. If you’re going to suck my blood out a bit at a time, it better not be from the whip marks on my back, you know what I’m saying?

Well, that pleasant thought in mind, if I was forced to pick one of the vampire’s clubs to recommend for you touristy types to hang out in, I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that I think you’re better off spending your time at The Underground. The music on the second floor is usually better, but you should buy your drinks from James at the main bar near the entrance. Try the Bloody Mary, it’s killer. Get it? Bloody Mary in a vampire bar? Killer? Yeah, I’ll just see myself out . . .

______________

If you could visit New York in the Other-verse, where would you want to go? Would you rather visit with the werewolves, vampires, or the magi?

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – The H&W Gang Discuss What It’s Like to be a Hero

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra is here with a few of her friends (and otherwise) to tell you what it’s like to save the day. Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra: Wait, what? I’m not a hero.

Sara: Sure you are. You saved a bunch of people, didn’t you?

Royce: I do believe that your actions would qualify as heroic.

Shiarra: No way. I was scared witless half the time, and had no clue what I was doing the rest of it.

Arnold: So? You still saved the day.

Chaz: If not for you, half the Others in the city would be dead or under the control of a bigger monster than . . . well, than we already are.

Shiarra: Guys, I’m afraid of vampires and werewolves. I scream when I see spiders in the bathroom or roaches in the kitchen, and I’m regularly late on my rent. I’m not exactly Super-girl, here.

Royce: What frightens you is irrelevant. It’s how you react in an emergency situation. You faced me in battle with little more than a handgun and a stake.

Shiarra: Yeah, and we see how well that turned out.

Arnold: I wouldn’t be complaining about that. You lived through it. That’s more than a lot of his enemies could say.

Chaz: Give me five minutes alone with him.

Royce: Try me, dog.

Sara: Do you guys have to do this every time? I mean, really.

Shiarra: Yeah. Seriously.

Arnold: Vampires and werewolves. Cats and dogs. You know how it is.

Chaz: Wolves aren’t dogs, you know. I’m getting really tired of you guys calling me that.

Royce: Then I shall make a note to use the term more often.

Shiarra: Oh, come on. You don’t like it when we call you a leech, right? So stop.

Royce: I’ve been called far worse.

Sara: I have to admit, I’m curious what that might entail.

Arnold: Same here.

Shiarra: Blood-breath?

Chaz: Worm-bait?

Arnold: Walking corpse?

Royce: Very funny.

Shiarra: Okay, sorry. That was uncalled for.

Chaz: But satisfying. Very satisfying.

Arnold: Fun and games aside, maybe we shouldn’t be baiting the very old, very powerful vampire.

Royce: Wise words, mage.

Arnold: Thanks. I try.

Sara: I think it’s time we get back on topic.

Shiarra: Doesn’t seem like much of a topic. I’m telling you guys, I’m not hero material.

Chaz: A lot of Others would disagree with you. Including me.

Shiarra: Right. Me freaking out and being a spaz is very admirable.

Sara: You have to admit, it was kind of funny to watch you figure out that magic hunter’s belt was talking to you.

Shiarra: Yes, because like so many other New Yorker’s, I looked like an idiot talking to an imaginary voice in my head.

Arnold: Yeah, but that voice in your head talked you through how to survive a fight against vampires, werewolves, and magi.

Royce: Count yourself lucky. If you had not had the benefit of help from the magi, you would never have survived.

Shiarra: Right. I nearly died, ended up contracted to you, and spent weeks in the intensive care unit. Just how I wanted things to turn out.

Chaz: I wish I could shred that contract.

Shiarra: You and me both.

Royce: You know I won’t force its terms on you.

Sara: Yeah. Because you know she’ll stake your ass if you do.

Shiarra: Not likely. I know we doctored the contract so it swings both ways—he can hurt me, I can hurt him, yadda yadda—but I’m done with this mess. I don’t want anything more to do with Others.

Royce: Perhaps—but that doesn’t mean we are done with you.

______________

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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2014 Readers & ‘Ritas Convention Recap and Giveaway

Readers & Ritas Logo

This convention was a blast! If you don’t want to sort through all my pics and ramblings about the con, you can skip down to the bottom of the post for the giveaways.

The Road Trip

Once again, I hit the road for a con. It took two days to drive from Tampa to Allen, TX (and vice versa), but since I was going it solo, I didn’t manage to snap any pics while driving.

It was about 2300 miles round trip. You’d think I’d have thought to take more pictures after having traveled so far and for so long, but on the route I took there wasn’t much to see but trees, highway blacktop, the occasional roadside stand or gift shop, and more trees. To keep myself from perishing of boredom, I spent most of the time either talking to my boyfriend or singing to the steering wheel.

Related: I may have done this song to death.

I did see a couple of interesting things along the way, like a tank being transported on the back of a truck.

I was originally thinking of stopping in New Orleans on my way home, but I got on the road a bit too late in the day on Sunday to go that far and ended up adjusting my route. I ended up stopping in Mississippi for the night. The next morning, I took the lone pic from my road trip, which I think may have made up for not taking any others:

Mississippi River
Vicksburg, MS – Mississippi River

The Convention

First, I’d like to mention that Readers & ‘Ritas is hosted by Fresh Fiction.

Fresh Fiction Logo

A Fresh Fiction reviewer had this to say earlier this year, so you know I was just chuffed to bits to be at this con:

“ENSLAVED BY THE OTHERS is phenomenal! It’s action-packed from beginning to end. Jess Haines has thought of every minute detail as Shiarra runs for her life. The worldbuilding is superlative. The characters multi-faceted and colourful, without being over the top. Ms. Haines is an extraordinarily gifted writer as well as a master storyteller. ENSLAVED BY THE OTHERS is an absolute must-read for any fan of paranormal or urban fantasy.”

Fresh Fiction (Fresh Pick July 24, 2014)

‘Scuse me while I preen in the corner for a moment.

Someone's Feeling FABULOUS

I have to give another shout out to C.J. Ellisson for being amazing and the entire reason I managed to make it to this convention. If you’re not reading her super sexy series, the V.V. Inn, you’re missing out on some steaming hot urban fantasy. Check out her first book, VAMPIRE VACATION (and enter to win a signed copy of the whole series below!):

V.V. Inn Series - Book One

As for the actual con, I have to say, Jade Lee killed it for me in the erotic reading on Friday night. Words cannot describe the hilarity of watching a couple of women acting out a dirty scene from an erotic story Jade was reading to the audience. Plus my table mates and I had a blast cracking each other up over the magazine of adult toys that came (hurr hurr hurrrrr) in our goodie bag. (“Where do you put that?” “Where does that fit?” “Which end do you use?” “Who in the hell would put that on their ding-dong?” You get the idea…)

That said, most of the shenanigans took place on Saturday. I stuck by C.J.’s side for most of the day, except for when I had my spot in the author lounge.

Author Lounge - My Awesome Tablemates
Author Lounge – My Awesome Tablemates

I only sat in the audience of one panel (I signed up a bit too late to get in on the action–hurr hurr hurr), and it just had to be “Simply Sexual to Eye-Popping Erotica”.

The Mostly Eye-Popping Erotica Panel
The Mostly Eye-Popping Erotica Panel

Topics of conversation touched upon subjects like tentacle porn, Bronies, bigfoot porn, Christmas lesbian spanking stories, and furries.

Don’t think these things exist?

They really do. All of them.

(If you have no idea what one or more of those things are, and/or are easily offended, I strongly suggest staying away from Google and/or Amazon and not clicking on my links so you can remain blissfully ignorant. Did I mention this stuff is NSFW? Actually, now that I think about it, some might be NSFA–Not Safe For Anyone.)

You’re welcome.

Ahem.

There was also a signing for the attendees.

Readers & 'Ritas Signing
Readers & ‘Ritas Signing
Readers & 'Ritas Signing
Readers & ‘Ritas Signing

I think the highlight of the trip for me was the Bikers & Gents ball. Mostly because Damon Suede was auctioned off as one of the hot guys, and he totally killed it on the dance floor.

Bikers & Gents - Masquerade Ball
Bikers & Gents – Masquerade Ball
Bikers & Gents - Hot Guys Being Auctioned
Bikers & Gents – Hot Guys Being Auctioned
Bikers & Gents - Gotta Love the Pimp Outfit
Bikers & Gents – Gotta Love the Pimp Outfit
Bikers & Gents - Damon Suede Sweeping A Girl Off Her Feet
Bikers & Gents – Damon Suede Sweeping A Girl Off Her Feet
Bikers & Gents - Damon Giving Me A Hug - D'Awwww
Bikers & Gents – Damon Giving Me A Hug – D’Awwww
Bikers & Gents - You Can Tell Our Hot Guy Was Thrilled To Be There
Bikers & Gents – You Can Tell Our Hot Guy Was Thrilled To Be There

The money raised from auctioning off a night of dancing with the obligatory hot dudes went to a charity to promote literacy. My pics didn’t turn out that great, but the guys were good sports, and everybody had a lot of fun on the dance floor.

Now… on to the giveaways!

U.S. Only Giveaway

Readers & 'Ritas Giveaway Books
Readers & ‘Ritas Giveaway Books

I brought back a ton of swag and books for you, my lovely readers! Be sure to follow and thank these authors for signing their books just for you!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

** Signed by the author

I didn’t take a pic, but some of the swag includes bookmarks, pens, notebooks, a travel mug, and even a Mr. Squidge, courtesy of Jade Lee!

Not in the U.S.? This Is The Giveaway For You!

I haven’t forgotten about you, my lovelies outside the U.S.! While I don’t have quite as many books to offer in this one, I am including a few signed ones thanks to the generosity of a few authors from the convention. Help them out with a Facebook like and Twitter follow!

(Sorry, no bag and limited swag included with this one as costs of shipping outside the U.S. are prohibitive.)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

NOTE: Winners have 72 hours to reply to their notification email with a mailing address. After 72 hours, if no reply is received, a new winner will be chosen.

Please be kind, pay it forward, and tell your friends who couldn’t make it to the con about these special giveaways so they can play along at home, too!

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Friday Funnies – Meet the Werewolves From Silent Cravings

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! This time, I’ve got something just a little different. My co-author from Silent Cravings worked with me on this one so we could introduce you to the werewolves of the Goliath Pack.

All three Weres wound up stuck in New York with Royce and his coven of vampires: Analie because of a debt, and Christoph and Ashi because they got in over their heads. Now Christoph and Ashi have magic collars that prevent them from shifting, but they’ll get no help from Analie to escape. And here they are to tell you what they think of New York…

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Analie: I love New York! Everyone here is totally crazy. There’s the biggest toy store in the world here and I know I’m, like, almost an adult but it was so cool!

Christoph: It’s . . . big.

Ashi: It smells.

Analie: And everywhere you go there are people selling food right on the street. Everywhere! This one time I ate three hotdogs in three blocks and then there was a guy with giant pretzels and I thought I was going to die if I ate one more thing, but you can’t really say no to giant pretzels.

Ashi: Does she ever breathe?

Christoph: The nightlife is interesting, I guess. I’m still getting my footing.

Analie: Central Park is amazing! You’re, like, walking down the street and it’s all concrete and drug dealers and then suddenly BAM you’re in the woods!

Ashi: . . . with more drug dealers.

Christoph: You are a little ray of sunshine today, aren’t you?

Ashi: I didn’t agree to do this.

Christoph: I think we’re supposed to act like we know what we’re talking about. Might as well pick a topic we know. So, guys, what’s the best part of being a werewolf?

Analie: The freedom.

Christoph: Wow, rub it in.

Analie: Sorry! It’s true, though.

Ashi: Without these collars? The power and size to crush anyone who gets in your way.

Christoph: Which is attractive to Ashi because on a height scale from Oompa Loompa to Average Joe, his human form ranks around Munchkin Land.

Ashi: Don’t sleep too soundly tonight, Christoph.

Analie: Can’t you two ever get along?

Christoph: He’s a sociopath.

Ashi: He’s got his head so far up his ass he’s seeing daylight.

Analie: *sigh*

Christoph: But in all seriousness, being a werewolf is pretty great. Both Ashi and Analie are right—having the wolf’s spirit means power and freedom. Nothing compares to the rush of a hunt or running with your pack. Nothing is as important as defending your packmates in a fight and crushing your enemy. There is incredible honor and weight in everything you do. Being a werewolf and having a strong pack makes you unstoppable and part of something bigger than any human can imagine.

Analie: That . . . was beautiful.

Ashi: *rolls his eyes*

Christoph: And there are tits everywhere. No one cares about being naked after a big fight or a pack run. It’s great.

Ashi: Hell yes.

Analie: A-a-a-and the magic is gone.

Christoph: What?

Analie: Never mind. Anyway! The werewolves around here are really nice, but they’re all tiny compared to me, but what can you expect when I’m a friggin’ Goliath . . .

Ashi: Well, yeah. What else would we be with a pack name like that?

Christoph: Leader of the Lollipop Guild?

Ashi: When this interview is over, I will never stop hurting you.

Christoph: Yeah, yeah. Probably dress up in your skirt again, ri—

Ashi: It’s not a skirt!

Analie: Ahem! So. The vampires are nice, too! Well, most of them are. Like, Mouse and Clarisse are basically the best, but Wesley is kind of serious and I get the idea I kind of annoy him, but Angus seems really chill so I try to hang out with him but he does security so—

Ashi: Can we leave?

Chrisoph: We just got here.

Ashi: Screw it, I’m out. Chop me up into little pieces, have a pack of rabid vampires drain me dry, dip me in the Hudson until I dissolve—anything but listen to that child’s drivel.

Analie: Hey!

Christoph: Okay, yeah, I think it’s time to call it quits.

Analie: Ashi, you’re such a jerk.

______________

Err. Being packmates doesn’t always mean being friends, I suppose.

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – Shiarra Waynest Talks About the Mothman

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra and some of her friends are here to tell you a little bit about the Mothman.  Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra: The Mothman?  I thought we were going to be talking about the Jersey Devil.

Arnold:  That one was taken.

Shiarra:  Shoot.  Guess I should describe it.

Chaz:  Yeah, it’s sort of a regional thing.  Not too many people have heard of it.

Shiarra:  The Mothman was some creepy critter that ran around in the dark scaring people.

Royce:  Very descriptive, Ms. Waynest.  I’m sure the readers find that terribly helpful.

Shiarra:  Like to hear you give it a shot, Mr. High and Mighty.

Royce:  Fine.  It was a man-sized creature with grey skin, red eyes, and large wings that had been spotted several times in the woods of West Virginia back in the 1960’s.  Witnesses say it would mostly show itself near an abandoned factory, and would follow any cars that passed near its lair at night.  Despite numerous attempts to hunt it down, no one has been successful; it finds you, not the other way around.

Shiarra:  Sounds like a certain vampire I could mention.

Royce:  Very funny.

Chaz:  That seems kind of lame.  Did it do anything other than chase people?

Royce:  Not really.

Arnold:  I dunno, I think the Mothman is pretty cool.  Reminds me of Arthur from The Tick.

Arthur and The Tick

Chaz:  Mothman Prophecies was a terrible movie.  That have anything to do with it?

Royce:  Someone made a movie about it?  I doubt it had any reflection on reality.  I’m sure the creature was just some Were running around in the dark, scaring people.

Shiarra:  A Were-moth?  Moth-Were?  What?

Arnold:  That sounds ridiculous.  I like the way you think.

Royce:  I wasn’t making an attempt to be clever.  It simply seems the most logical explanation.

Chaz:  I thought someone said it was a government experiment gone bad.

Shiarra:  Ohhh, like the X-Men!

Arnold:  I’m liking this Mothman thing more and more.

Royce:  You people are absurd.  It was some demonic, red-eyed creature.  It supposedly flew after fleeing cars at speeds of over one hundred miles an hour.  While I’m sure there’s some measure of exaggeration involved, it sounds like it must have been something supernatural to me.

Chaz:  Hey, speaking from experience, most Weres don’t fly.  And there’s no such thing as Were-bugs.  I bet it was just some dude in a rubber suit.  Maybe a Batman costume.

Shiarra:  Awesome!

Arnold:  Oh, yeah.  With all the drugs people were doing back then, it could’ve been almost anything.

Shiarra:  I’ve heard rumors that it could have been anything from a real monster to a bird.  Nobody really knows.  The people in the town near the factory built a statue to it, though.  It’s in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, where all the sightings supposedly happened.

Mothman Statue

Chaz:  When we go on that road trip next summer, we need to add that to the list of things to see.  Is it anywhere near the world’s largest chicken?

Shiarra:  No, that’s in Georgia.  I suppose we could swing that way on the way down.

Royce:  Right.  And I bet you’ll go see that on your way to visit the world’s largest chainsaw.  Why am I even here?

Arnold:  We’re seeing that on the way back.  It’s in Michigan.

Royce:  . . .

Chaz:  Ohhh, so is the world’s largest rifle!  Can’t wait to see that.

Shiarra:  Probably need it to shoot down the Mothman.  That thing’s supposed to be seven feet tall.

Royce:  Next we’ll be saying it breathes fire and shoots lasers from its eyes.

Arnold:  Wow, did the vamp just make a joke?

Royce:  Perhaps.  I’m finding this conversation too illogical to take seriously.

Shiarra:  You covering for something?

Royce:  Hardly.

Arnold:  Methinks the vamp doth protest too much.

Royce:  You can’t be serious.  What would I have to do with it?

Shiarra:  Oh, I know!  Maybe Mothman was a vampire!

Arnold:  Possible.  Red, glowing eyes, only seen at night, hangs out in the backwoods of West Virginia—sounds like it could’ve been a feral vamp.

Royce:  First of all, no.  Second of all, vampires cannot fly.  While there are some natural laws we defy, gravity is not one of them.

Chaz:  Maybe not, but an elder vampire can run faster than a Were.  I bet you it was some vamp with a sense of humor dressed up in a cape and rubber suit running really fast after those people.

Mothra

Royce:  What?  How could you even—

Shiarra:  I like this theory.  Let’s vote on it!  Everyone who agrees Mothman was a vamp, say aye!  Aye!

Chaz:  Aye!

Arnold:  Aye!

Royce:  Gods.

______________

So much for a creepy critter in the woods…

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – The H&W Team Discuss Fairy Tales

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra and her friends are going to discuss fairy tales today.  Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra:  Which fairy tale were we supposed to talk about again?

Sara:  I dunno.

Royce:  Beauty and the Beast?

Everyone Else:  No.

Chaz:  Little Red Riding Hood?

Everyone Else:  No.

Arnold:  The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time?

Everyone Else:  . . .

Arnold:  C’mon!  Shiarra rescued Royce like Zelda, and . . . uhh . . .

Royce:  Is that a real legend? I’ve never heard of this.

Ocarina

Shiarra:  Whatever. I think that one gets a “hell no”.

Arnold:  Damn it.  I brought my ocarina and everything.  It’s a certified replica!

Royce:  I could share a few fairy tales.

Shiarra:  You?  Forget it.  They’re probably filled with blood and bitey things.

Royce:  Not everything has to be about death and blood with me, Ms. Waynest. I’d have thought you’d learned as much by now.

Sara:  Whatever, I’m with Shia.  I don’t want to hear about what kind of stories put the vampire to sleep as a kid.

Chaz: You know, I don’t think it actually fits, but I’ve got a great fairy tale!

Sara:  I’m afraid.

Chaz:  It’s about the guy who had to choose a bride by how she cuts the cheese.

Cheese

Everyone Else:  *snickersnortsplutter*

Royce:  You can’t be serious.

Sara:  Wow, I didn’t think vampires were allowed to laugh at fart jokes.

Royce:  That one caught me off guard.

Chaz:  Seriously!  It was one of those Grimm fairy tales.

Arnold:  Hehe. Cut the cheese.

Chaz:  Dude, do you want to hear the story or not?

Shiarra:  Not really.

Chaz:  Aww . . .

Shiarra:  Err.  Well, I guess it can’t be that bad.

Chaz:  Awesome!  So this shepherd couldn’t choose which of three sisters to marry.

Confused Sheep

Arnold:  Were they hot?

Sara:  Arnold!

Arnold:  What?  It’s a legitimate question.

Chaz:  Smokin’.

Royce:  Why aren’t we talking about a real fairy tale?  I can think of a few far more interesting than this.

Chaz:  Shut up, dead man. Anyway, the dude’s mom tells him to give each of the girls a cheese. One didn’t cut off all the rind, one cut off some of the good cheese, and the third one was super careful when she was cutting off the rind on hers, and so he married that one.

Sara:  . . . and then what?

Chaz:  That’s it.

Shiarra:  That’s . . . really dumb.

Royce:  I concur.

Sara:  Um.  What was the point of telling us that story?

Chaz:  It was the only one I could remember?  I dunno.  C’mon, I’ve been wanting to tell that one for years!

Royce:  I could have regaled you with tales of Heracles and his great feats, stories of titans and forgotten gods, of giants and—

Shiarra:  Hercules.

Royce:  Excuse me?

Shiarra:  It’s Hercules.  Not Heracles.

Royce:  Actually, his original name was Alcides and they’re both a slight bastardization of the original pronun—wait, why are you correcting me?

Sara:  Haven’t you seen the movie?  I like the pegasus.

Arnold:  The satyr was dope.  Danny DeVito was hilarious.

Chaz:  I liked Hades.  He cracked me up.

Shiarra:  His hair being on fire was a nice touch.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Royce:  That movie was about as historically accurate as Xena: Warrior Princess.

Shiarra:  What?  You watched Xena?  No way.

Royce:  This conversation is over.

Chaz:  Damn.  Next time, I’ll think of a better story.

Royce:  Somehow I doubt that very sincerely.

______________

Well, that was . . . uh . . . enlightening. What do you guys think of Chaz’s story? What’s your favorite fairy tale?

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – Shiarra Waynest Talks About Butt Spiders

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! This post was originally for a themed event involving urban legends. On that note, Shiarra and some of her friends are here to tell you a little bit about butt spiders. Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra: …uhh. What?

Arnold:  I’ve heard of these!  They hide under your toilet seat and jump out to bite you on the ass when you sit down.

Would You Like To Touch It

Chaz:  Oh, yeah.  I remember hearing about these.  They’re creepier than camel spiders.

Shiarra:  Camel spiders?  What?

Royce:  Don’t listen to those two.  The information about the spiders hiding under toilet seats was false.

Arnold:  Whoa.  I just had a thought.  What if it was a camel spider hiding under the toilet seat?

Chaz:  Dude.  Epic.

Shiarra:  I still don’t get what you guys are talking about. Why are they called camel spiders?

Royce:  I presume because they live in the desert, much like their namesake.

Chaz: I thought it was because they’re practically the size of a camel.

Camel Spider

Arnold: Oh, come on.  They’re big, but they’re not that big.

Chaz:  That’s what your mom said last night.

Shiarra:  Chaz!

Arnold:  That’s what your mom’s face said.  Burn!

Royce:  Ms. Waynest, explain to me one more time why you spend time with these ingrates?

Shiarra:  It’s a mystery for the ages.

Chaz:  Hey!

Arnold:  That wasn’t very nice.

Shiarra:  Yeah, well, you guys are talking about spiders.  It’s gross.

Chaz:  I heard a camel spider killed a dog once.

Royce:  I find that doubtful.  Most species of camel spider are not actually venomous.

Shiarra:  How do you know so much about spiders?  Wouldn’t think you’d be worried about being bitten by them, being all undead and stuff.

Royce:  Some of the people in my office delight in forwarding me email chain letters.

Arnold:  Wow, really?

Royce:  Yes.  Unfortunately.

Arnold:  That was how I heard about the spiders hiding under toilet seats.  Apparently, the original email was a hoax, but there’s a real type of poisonous spider in Australia that does like to hide under toilet seats.

Chaz:  I’m not surprised.  Australia seems to be where most of the poisonous and deadly crap in the animal kingdom comes from.

Meanwhile in Australia

Arnold:  Want to hear something really scary?

Shiarra:  No.

Chaz:  Yes!

Royce:  I doubt it will be that frightening, but go on.

Arnold:  I once heard that someone found a giant spider on their toilet paper roll.  It nearly bit their hand off.

Shiarra:  Oh, please.  I’ll believe in butt spiders before I believe in that.

Toilet Paper Spider

Royce:  That is a truly silly name for a spider.

Shiarra:  Whatever.  I’m out of here.  I need to go buy every can of Raid I can find.

Chaz:  Heh.  Butt spider.

______________

Have you heard any weird, scary, or silly stories involving spiders?

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – The H&W Gang Discuss the Reality of Greek Beasts of Legend

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra has been having a pretty bad time of things lately. She’s here with some of her friends (and otherwise) to tell you about it. Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra: Why are we talking about this? Is it because the vampire is from Greece?

Royce: I suppose so.

Arnold: Maybe. I don’t mind talking about ‘em. Always dreamt of seeing a minotaur.

Chaz: What? Why?

Sara: I’d rather see a pegasus. Or a unicorn.

Royce: “A” Pegasus? That is the flying horse’s proper name. It has not been seen in… oh, I don’t know. Centuries, perhaps. Maybe longer.

Shiarra: Did you ever see it?

Royce: Yes.

Shiarra: Oh my God, really?

Royce: No.

Sara: Well, that’s disappointing.

Shiarra: Seriously.

Royce: Your childish naiveté in this matter is charming, but does not really become you. Just because I am from Greece doesn’t mean I’ve seen all of the monsters you hear about in legends.

Arnold: Boring. No minotaurs?

Royce: Much as I like the darkness, I have never made a habit of wandering around dark labyrinths that I do not possess a reliable map for or already own.

Chaz: You own a labyrinth?

Royce: I don’t feel inclined to answer that question.

Shiarra: Are you seriously telling me you’ve forgotten about—

Royce: Ms. Waynest, might I remind you that we are in a public forum? I don’t air your secrets to all and sundry. I would appreciate it if you would extend me the same courtesy.

Shiarra: . . . oh. Sure, I guess.

Arnold: Wait, really? He has a labyrinth? Why didn’t I know about this?

Royce: They are called secrets for a reason, mage.

Arnold: Don’t flash those fangs at me, man. I’ll find a spell to make you into the minotaur.

Chaz: I’ll bet the minotaur was a Were.

Arnold: What? Why?

Chaz: Giant, furry monster under the ground? Why not?

Sara: That makes a strange kind of sense.

Shiarra: Were-bull? Were-giant-ass-bull?

Chaz: I’ve heard of or met Were-cats, Were-bears, Were-birds, and even a Were-snake. So why not a Were-bull?

Arnold: I dunno, man. Sounds kind of stupid to me, but you’re the werewolf here, so I’ll bow to your superior wisdom.

Shiarra: Ah, hell. Now he’s never going to let us forget you said that.

Chaz: Damned right. Who’s the man? Boom.

Royce: If I wasn’t so opposed to committing violence in public, I would do serious harm to your person right now.

Chaz: Try me, dead man. Just try me.

Shiarra: Are any of the stories true? I mean, we’re in a room with a vampire, a werewolf, and a mage. You’d think anything is possible.

Sara: I’m guessing there must be some kernel of truth to all those legends, otherwise they wouldn’t persist.

Arnold: Yeah, like stories about sasquatch and the boogie man.

Royce: While I can’t deny that I have seen some strange creatures over the years, I can’t vouch for the ones involving creatures like unicorns, manticore, gorgons, or harpies. If they did or do exist, they have never made themselves known to me.

Arnold: Wait, so are you saying you have seen something the rest of us would consider a magical being?

Royce: I don’t see why you’re so excited at the prospect. You weren’t there, and you are more likely than I to have encountered creatures of fae blood during your studies.

Arnold: Sorry. Not that kind of mage. Planar stuff—summoned critters—are my forte.

Shiarra: Like that cat-thing you called in your apartment.

Sara: And your familiar.

Shiarra: Oh, yeah. I forgot about the mouse.

Arnold: Bob comes in handy now and then.

Chaz: I don’t see how. It’s too small to do anything useful.

Royce: Sometimes the actions of the smallest and most insignificant creatures can result in the downfall of an empire. It’s a lesson you would do well to take to heart.

Chaz: Whatever, leech.

Shiarra: Why do I get the feeling that was an oblique reference to me?

Royce: Perhaps because it is. I will never make the error of underestimating you again.

Shiarra: . . . thanks?

______________

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – Shiarra Waynest Talks About Contracts

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra is going to tell you a little bit about the contracts that humans have to sign before they can become “intimate” with their significant Others.  Over to you, Shia!

______________

Jack:      Untie me right now!  Let me out of here!

Chaz:     Shut up.

Shiarra: Chaz!  I don’t think this is right.  I thought this was supposed to be acivilized discussion.

Royce:  Oh, I don’t know.  We didn’t gag him.  He should be able to participate like the rest of us.

Jack:      As soon as I get out of here I’ll kill you all!

Royce:  That’s nothing new.

Arnold:  Ahem.  Jack, sorry, man, but you need to calm down.  It was the only way we could get the vamp and the werewolf to agree to be in the same room with you.

Jack:      I’m holding you accountable for this, spark.  You tricked me!

Shiarra: Look, let’s just hurry up and get this over with so we can get him out of here.

Royce: That’s fine with me.  I do believe we were going to discuss contracts.

Chaz:     Well, what about contracts?

Shiarra: Yeah.  This isn’t a comfortable subject, you know.

Jack:      Vampire’s whore.

Shiarra: HEY!

Royce:  That’s not entirely accurate.

Shiarra: Yeah.  Wait.  HEY.  *GLARES*  The number one thing to know about contracts is not to sign them!

Arnold: Didn’t stop you.

Chaz:     Hey, why haven’t you signed one for me?  You signed one for fang-boy over there.

Royce:  Some of us just have that way with women, I suppose.

Shiarra: Yeah, in that “I’ll destroy you and all you love if you don’t” sort of way.

Jack:      I want out of here.  Now.  Get this over with!

Arnold: Royce, you probably have the most experience out of the rest of us with contracts.  What do people usually ask you about it before signing one?

Shiarra: Other than “are you going to kill me”?

Royce:  There are two questions I get asked quite often.  First, and most frequently, is whether or not being bitten hurts.  They have no way of knowing beforehand as they can’t be bitten by vampires without a contract.

Jack:      Lying leech.  Since when do you follow the law?

Royce:  Bite your tongue, boy.  I may omit truths, but I find lying distasteful in the extreme.

Shiarra: Yeah, yeah.  What’s the other question?

Royce:  If I’ll grant them eternal life.

Jack:      Devil-spawn.

Chaz:     Really?  The only questions I ever get are if it hurts to shift and where the hair goes after we change.

Everyone Else:   . . .

Chaz:     What?

Shiarra: Okay.  Um.  Well then.

Jack:      Ugh.

Arnold: Jack, as long as you’re here, why don’t you tell us something about why you’re so dead-set against Others.

Jack:      People don’t know what they’re getting into when they sign those contracts.  They’re signing their souls away.  They don’t realize that they’re putting themselves in the hands of murderers—

Royce:  I find this offensive.  Must we listen to his rumor mongering?

Arnold: I told you having him here was a bad idea.  You were the one who wanted everyone to hear both sides of the argument.  Creepy leech.

Royce:  I didn’t imagine he’d be this unpleasant to deal with.

Shiarra: As much as I dislike the vampire, I’m kinda with him on this one.  Royce may have been a manipulative asshole, but he never really tried to kill me.  Neither have most of the other supernaturals that I’ve met who actually follow the law.

Royce:  Charming, Ms. Waynest, to know you think so highly of me.  Unfortunate you don’t feel the need to grant me the liberties our contract allows me.  You might change your mind . . .

Shiarra: Oh, ew.  A thousand times, no.

Jack:      Stay away from the girl, monster!

Chaz:     Watch it, leech.  Stay away from my girlfriend.

Royce:  The offer stands, if you ever change your mind.

Shiarra: Yeah, that’ll be around the tenth of never.

Royce:  Give it time, Ms. Waynest. I can wait.

______________

What do you think? Would you rather sign a contract with a vampire or a werewolf?

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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Friday Funnies – The H&W Gang Discuss Shiarra’s Hard Knock Life

H&W Covers

I’ve decided to revamp the Friday Funnies and re-post the guest posts I’ve written for blog tours and such. I may sneak in a few new ones here and there. Since some of the blogs I originally wrote these for have disappeared I thought it might be a good idea to save and re-share the posts here.

I’m sure if you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with my characters by now, so I’ll save you the chore of reading through my intros. For anyone who stumbles across this who is not familiar, basic info on the characters can be found here, a funnier idea of who they are (in GIFs) can be found here, and a book list/buy links can be found here. All character interviews will be tagged that way so they’re easy to find on the blog.

Now–on with the shenanigans! Shiarra is going to tell you a little bit about how tough things have been for her lately, and how she’s been coping. Over to you, Shia!

______________

Shiarra: What part of my messed up life are we supposed to talk about this time?

Sara: The possibilities are endless.

Shiarra: That’s not very funny.

Arnold: You can’t deny your life has turned into a train wreck.

Shiarra: You’re not helping.

Royce: Your tendency to draw the ire of creatures capable of destroying or eating you appears to be your most prominent character flaw.

Chaz: Leave her alone.

Shiarra: Okay, first—Chaz, stay out of this.

Chaz: I’m just trying to help!

Shiarra: I don’t want your help. Second, Royce, are you even close to serious? If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be in half the messes I’ve gotten into lately.

Royce: I am very serious. Even I have given some thought to draining you dry every now and again.

Sara: Because that isn’t at all creepy or threatening.

Shiarra: No kidding.

Arnold: What do you expect? He’s a vampire. He’s supposed to act like some melodramatic, broody creature of the night. “Oh, woe! Should I or shouldn’t I eat her face? Woe, woe betide!”

Royce: Yes, because a mage understands so very well what it is to be a “melodramatic, broody creature of the night.”

Arnold: I try.

Chaz: Not all Others eat people. None of the Sunstrikers have ever done that.

Shiarra: Um. What about that one time . . .

Chaz: Does that count?

Sara: Yes.

Chaz: Oh. Never mind, then.

Shiarra: My. How comforting. My boyfri—ex-boyfriend may or may not have eaten people before.

Arnold: Soylent Green is people!

Sara: Bad comedic timing, honey. Too soon.

Arnold: . . . sorry.

Shiarra: Anyone have a paper bag for me to hyperventilate into?

Chaz: Oh, come on. It’s not like you haven’t been around worse.

Royce: Perhaps it has escaped your notice, but she does not have the tolerance for violence and bloodshed that we do.

Sara: You would think that someone who dated her for months would have figured out that she’s afraid of seeing someone get a paper cut, let alone someone getting torn to bits.

Chaz: Hey. Down in front. Shut it.

Sara: Yeah, yeah.

Chaz: We’re not violent unless provoked.

Royce: Don’t make claims to things you can’t be certain are true, dog.

Chaz: I am certain, dead man.

Royce: Are you, now?

Shiarra: Stop it, you two. If you want to fight, wait until the interview is over.

Arnold: Hey, we’re Others. We’re not supposed to get along.

Shiarra: Not. Helping.

Royce: I do apologize for distressing you, Ms. Waynest. Perhaps you’ll give me the opportunity to make it up to you later . . .

Chaz: Watch it, leech.

Royce: Oh, I do have my eye on the prize, boy.

Sara: That is not a happy thought.

Shiarra: Don’t talk about me like I’m an object.

Royce: No offense intended.

Chaz: Yeah, right. You meant every word.

Royce: Even if I did, it’s not your concern.

Shiarra: Do I have to do something to defend my own honor here?

Arnold: Pistols at dawn!

Shiarra: . . . aside from that?

Royce: Not at all.

Chaz: I’ll defend you.

Shiarra: Whatever. You guys can go beat each other to a pulp in a back alley somewhere. I’m going to go see if there’s anything left of H&W Investigations to salvage. The business doesn’t run itself, you know.

Sara: I’ll go with you.

Arnold: Can I come?

Sara: Of course you can.

Royce: I will accompany you as well.

Shiarra: Forget about it.

Royce: Not to worry, Ms. Waynest. I’ll keep my fangs to myself.

Chaz: No way. If he goes, I go.

Shiarra: Somebody do something about these two? Please?

Arnold: I can probably whip up a spell to repel vampires and werewolves. Give me a day or two.

Shiarra: Time I don’t have. I guess I’ll just have to put up with them for now.

Royce: That’s more than enough time for me to change your mind. I guarantee it.

Chaz: We’ll see about that.

______________

If you’ve never heard of my books and want more info, head to the main page of my website for news on the latest deals, the reading order, etc. Or you can support more of this silliness by buying ‘em now!

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