Thanks to all the recent KStew drama, I thought it might be a good time to revisit an old favorite. This was written by my friend, David, who gets all the props for writing this hilarity. When you see inserts of names of people who are not characters in the movie, yes, that is what actually happened/was said when we went to see Twilight in the theater. Yes, this is what happens when the Sunday Night Movie Madness crowd gets together to MST a movie.
David’s Breakdown of What it Was Like
for the Sunday Night Movie Madness Crowd
to Watch Twilight: the Movie
Opening: BAMBI. Only take out the bullet and replace it with a dude attack-hugging a dear.
Bella: I’m moving back to my dads place in Washington state who I haven’t seen in forever and don’t really get along with because my mom is dating this awesome guy who I get along with and I absolutely must GET AWAY FROM THEM.
Bella’s Dad: I’m the most awesome guy in this movie. Seriously, I fucking rock.
Bella’s Dad: Maybe this’ll shut her up. Here, have a truck I just bought from this cool indian in a wheelchair and his son who automatically has a crush on you just like EVERY OTHER DUDE IN THIS MOVIE BESIDES ME.
Teenagers at Bella’s new highschool: WE’RE ANNOYING, HOW ARE YOU?!?!?!?
Bella’s female friends: WE ARE SO TYPICALLY FEMALE TEENAGERS IT MAKES YOU HEMORRHAGE, LIKE, OMIGAWD.
Edward: As I’m introduced I’m described as, I quote, “Like, way hot, obviously,” But my face looks like I spent my childhood rediscovering the sliding glass door, over and over.
Bella: OMG I WANT TO BONE HIM RAW
Audience: Wait. What? I mean… look at him.
Exposition Teens: That’s the vampir– I mean Cullens family. They never show up in the daylight and they have graduated high school about a dozen times but we totally know they’re not vampires.
Bella in Biology next to the fan: ::rips one::. Omg, why did he just cover his nose? Do I stink? Why is he edging away from me?! WRYYYYYYYYY?!
Edward: I must do everything in my power to alienate this woman I don’t know.
Bella: I must do everything in my power to find out everything about Edward, even though I’ve only seen him once in Biology.
Edward, after a week of absence from school: I must do everything in my power to get the sexual tension as high as I can so that my balls will burst forth and strangle me, and I shall do this with incredibly awkward dialogue and cringe-worthy one-lines.
Bella’s Dad: Still awesome.
Bella: Thanks for being awesome.
Black dude at school: I’M GUNNA DO 55 IN AN ICE SLICK PARKING LOT! THIS IS A GREAT IDEA I BET NOTHING CAN GO WRONG!
Bella: IMPENDING DOO–
Edward: I just palmed a fucking Van for you. You so owe me sucky sucky. ::ninja vanish!::
Black guy in van: Bella! I’m so sorry! Who could’ve foreseen a teen driver going obscenely fast in a high school parking lot having an accident!
Bella’s dad: I’m being protective of my daughter in a completely awesome and slightly comical way.
David: Wow, that’s the only thing in the movie I laughed at that the director wanted me to laugh at.
Vampire Dad: HELLO WORLD!
Vampire Dad: Even though my introduction made me seem like The Master Race dude from the Producers, I’m actually kinda cool and the only other person in the movie that is likeable. By the way, you might have post traumatic stress disorder from not being hit by the car.
David: Soo…if I don’t get hit by a car I might go crazy?
Bella: Soo…if I don’t get hit by a car I might go crazy?
Vampire Dad, Edward and permanently On the Rag Vampire: Mumble mumble, Yeah yeah, Secrets, mumble mumble.
Audience: WE GET IT. YOU’RE VAMPIRES. WOOHOO. GET ON WITH THE BLOODSUCKING.
Bella: Eeaaaaavesdrooooop. Ohshit I’m spotted standing out in the open! Shit!
Edward: You heard nothing.
Bella: You palmed the van.
Edward: You saw nothing.
Bella: The police lifted your fingerprints!
Edward: Doesn’t prove anything, silly woman.
Bella: THE CAMPUS SECURITY CAMERAS CAUGHT IT!
Edward: Look, you didn’t get hit by a car, you must be crazy.
Bella: Wait, what?
Bella: Wait! I’m HORNY!
Edward: ANGST ANGST ANGST.
The School in general: THERE’S THE MARY SUE LET’S ALL GO HANG OUT WITH HER AND VALUE HER OPINION
Idiot teenagers: Hey Sue, wanna go to the beach?
Bella: Not really.
I.T.: Too bad, you have to to advance the plot.
Bella: Well okay then. I guess while I’m at it I’ll invite Edward to further frustrate my loins.
Bella: You should come to the beach.
Edward: I thought you hated me.
Bella: Well, I do, but I think we should hang out.
Edward: How does that make sense?
Bella: LOOK I JUST READ THE SCRIPT GODDAMNIT.
Edward: Anyway, I can go to the beach because…. I’m. Allergic. To air. ::ninja vanish!::
Bella: I wish Edward were here at the beach.
Cool indian guy: How about you chill with the cool indian guy instead?
Bella: Sounds good. Lets walk down the beach.
Cool indian guy: So, exposition. The indians and the Cullen family have this truce because we found them drinking bloo–I mean hunting on our land. They keep off our land and we don’t sound off and what they really are… which I kinda just violated, huh?
Bella: What? I’m sorry, I missed those fucking ginormous hints you just dropped off and now I’m off to do a research montage.
Binah, David, Tommy: Even Rocky had a MONTAGE!
Edward: I know you know… say it. Say it so I can hear it.
Edward: What? No! Well, maybe later. But, say what I am!
Bella: Oh, vampire.
Bella, in same monotonous voice: Vampire.
Edward: Yeah, whatever. Look, I get to show off! Super speed! Super Strength!
Edward: Super SPARKLES!
Bella: LET’S BONE!
Edward: I can’t! I’m a monster! Emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo. I mean, I haven’t killed anyone is a century, I eat deer, I go to highschool! I’M THE WORST THING ALIVE! IT’S TORTURE! BEING PRETTY FOREVER! BEING A SEXY, SEXY GREEK GOD TRAPPED IN THE BODY OF A 17(sic) YEAR OLD MAN! OH MY GOD THE ANGST IS DRIPPING FROM THE SCREEEEEEN
Bella: OKAY! FUCK! Just, Jesus, woo me with you’re incredible ability to totally not look like you’re climbing a tree as you get Kung-fu wired up it.
Bella: Yay, piggyback!
Movie: Now to bore you a RELATIONSHIP MONTAGE! That lasts FOREVER!
Binah, David and Tommy: The montage song can only be referenced so many times during a single movie.
Movie: Still boring relationshiiiiip. Character building via Montage doesn’t quite wooooork.
David: Oh, something’s happening!
Edward: I like watching you sleep.
Binah: ::jerk-off pantomime::
Bella: That’s… sweet. In a really, really creepy way. Anyway, since you’re here, LET’S FUCK!
Edward: But, I’m a horrible monst–Are you not wearing pants?
Edward:… ‘Kay. ::THE MOST AWKWARD KISS EVER::
Bella: Why’d you just act like I’m a fucking grenade?
Edward: EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EMO! EM–
Bella: Jesus shit! Quick, to another relationship montage!
Bella’s Dad: I just thought I’d compound my awesomeness by sitting at the dinner table and clean my shotguns.
Bella: Dad, my vamp– Boyfriend wants to meet you officially.
Bella’s Dad: ::ch-chk:: Bring him in.
Edward: Hello. I. Am. Very. Awkward.
Bella’s Dad: Still way more awesome than you and I only get like ten lines.
Edward: WE’RE GUNNA PLAY VAMPIRE BASEBALL!
Bella & Bella’s Dad: Huh?
Vampire family: W00T! BASEBALL!
David: Oddly enough, I am enjoying this immensely.
Vampire trio: HI! We’re the guys David forgot to mention up until this point but we’ve killed twwwwwooooo peoooooplllllle! We’re scaaaarrryyyy vampires! Boo!
Vampire asshat: HUMAN! I MUST EAT HER RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE IN FRONT OF SEVEN OTHER RIVAL VAMPIRES!
Vampire family: Well…. that resolved quickly.
Vampire dad: To reaffirm the awesome waves I’ve been giving off I’m going to help Edward protect his slutty girlfriend and subject my whole family, centuries in the making, to a war with a rival vampire group.
Permanently on the Rag Vampire: Why should I help her?
Vampire dad: Because I’m f–king awesome.
PotRV: … kay.
The shortest and most uneventful chase scene later.
Asshat Vampire: Hello! I’ve got your mom and I’m gunna kill her unless you show up and let me kill you instead.
Bella: Sounds like a plan. My old ballet studio sound good?
Asshat: Sure does.
Bella: Mom? Oh, darn. Just an old video of–
Asshat: So now I’m gunna fiddle with you long enough for your boyfriend to arrive. I’ve even got a camera I stole from your house!
Bella: Mace n’ run!
Asshat: I’m a fucking vampire. ::punt::
David: ::wince:: okay. Props for actually kicking the lead actress into a pilla–
Asshat: ::STEP ON YOUR LEG AND BREAK YOUR FEMUR-FU!::
David: Dude! Awesome!
Asshat: Now time to eat! Noooom–
Edward: Me! to the rescue!
Asshat: You! Through a dozen mirrors!
Bella: Me! Stabbed with glass!
Edward: Okay, I’m done.
Bella: He bit me! I get to be a vampire! YAAAAAAYYYYY!
Vampire Dad: Quick, Edward, you have to make a choice. Either suck the venom out of her arm, make her frail and human, or you can let it do it’s magic and she can be pretty, young and immortal for all time. Plus you two could probably bone without all the fucking angst.
Edward: My choice is clear. ::suck::
David: Why? You guys can’t even fuck when she’s human because you’re afraid you’ll go all sex-bloodlust wild and fuck/eat the shit out of her… which now that I think about it, sounds like a good time.
Probably the best scene in the whole movie is this one with no dialogue, with Edward sitting across from Bella’s dad, waiting for her to come downstairs.
Bella: I’m Hawt with this f–king cast and skimpy dress.
Edward: Let’s go, your dad intimidates me.
Bella: What? You could punch a hole through him.
Edward: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Bella’s Dad: Still awesome.
ANNOYING PROM W00: ANNOYING TEENS W00!
Bella: MAKE ME A VAMPIRE NOW WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!