I’ve got something a little different in place of the Friday Funnies this week. You may recall I recently had Brooklyn Ann stop by my blog for an interview.

I’ll be the first to admit–I have a problem. I’m addicted to bad movies. Just ask Brooklyn Ann (or check out my Top 10 Best Bad Movies on All Things Urban Fantasy). We’ve been discussing what awful cinematic crime against humanity to watch together.

Since we live so far from each other, we’re gong to pick an awful movie to put on at the same time and live-tweet our thoughts, MST-style, on Twitter.

This is where you come in. We need your help! Vote for the worst of the worst out of the 5 bad movies in the poll below that you’d like to see us riff on Twitter. Once we have some votes and narrow down our selection, we’ll announce the date, time, and hashtag for you to join along the fun and games.

First, the official trailers (most NSFW) for each movie:

TOKYO ZOMBIE

Watch this video on YouTube.

VAMPIRE EFFECT

Watch this video on YouTube.

FRANKENHOOKER

Watch this video on YouTube.

ONE EYED MONSTER

Watch this video on YouTube.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS

Watch this video on YouTube.

And now, the poll:

ABOUT BROOKLYN ANN

Website / Twitter / Facebook

Bite Me, Your Grace

London’s Lord Vampire Has Problems

Dr. John Polidori’s tale “The Vampyre” burst upon the Regency scene along with Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein after that notorious weekend spent writing ghost stories with Lord Byron.

A vampire crazy broke out instantly in the haut ton.

Now Ian Ashton, the Lord Vampire of London, has to attend tedious balls, linger in front of mirrors, and eat lots of garlic in an attempt to quell the gossip.

If that weren’t annoying enough, his neighbor, Angelica Winthrop has literary aspirations of her own and is sneaking into his house at night just to see what she can find.

Hungry, tired, and fed up, Ian is in no mood to humor his beautiful intruder…

“Ann’s breezy and entertaining debut features strong prose and interesting characters” – Publishers Weekly

“Ann has come up with a charming debut that captures the light and dark of the era. Readers who crave both a classic Regency and a shadowy paranormal will sink their teeth into Ann’s tale, with its engaging characters and light touches, and wonder just what clever tale she’ll come up with next.” – RT Book Reviews

Catch up on the whole series!

1. Bite Me, Your Grace
2. One Bite Per Night (Coming November 5, 2013)
3. Untitled, Coming Soon

I’m not sure how I feel about this, people.

I’ve gone over my thoughts about fanfic before, but Amazon is changing the game again. Not quite sure how to feel about the WB and Amazon now paying for people to write their fic. When I wrote fanfic (ages ago, I’ll admit), the number one unspoken rule was “Thou Shalt Not Make Money From Thy Fandom.” Those paid to write tie-in novels and such were obviously exceptions and were under contract to write those stories. This whole thing of being paid to write fics for certain fandoms still feels skeevy to me, but I can’t really say why exactly since it’s sanctioned by the rights holders. Maybe because some people won’t really get the difference between the sanctioned fandoms and the ones where the rights holders don’t approve of this sort of thing?

What do you think? Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Or are you still a little too stunned to know how to take it, too?

FORSAKEN BY THE OTHERS
BLOG TOUR CALENDAR

Join The Hunt: May 25 – July 20

BOOK SIGNING
Friday, July 05, 2013
7:30PM
Mysterious Galaxy Redondo Beach Book Store
2810 Artesia Blvd.
Redondo Beach, CA 90278

BOOK SIGNING
Saturday, July 14, 2013
2:00PM
Dark Delicacies Book Store
3512 W. Magnolia
Burbank, CA 91505

FORSAKEN BY THE OTHERS
The Hunt Is On
July 2nd, 2013

The Others–vampires, werewolves, things that go chomp in the night–don’t just live in nightmares anymore. They’ve joined with the mortal world. And for private investigator Shiarra Waynest, that means mayhem…

Have a one night stand with a vampire, and you can end up paying for it for eternity. P.I. Shiarra Waynest, an expert on the Others, knows that better than most. Yet here she is, waking up beside charismatic vamp Alec Royce with an aching head…and neck. Luckily, Shia has the perfect excuse for getting out of town–namely, a couple of irate East Coast werewolf packs who’d like to turn her into a chew toy.

On Royce’s suggestion, Shia temporarily relocates to Los Angeles. But something is rotten–literally–in the state of California, where local vampires are being attacked by zombies. Who could be powerful enough to control them–and reckless enough to target the immortal? Following the trail will lead Shia to a terrifying truth, and to an ancient enemy with a personal grudge…

Pre-Order Now:
Amazon / Amazon UK / Amazon Canada
Barnes & Noble
Book Depository
Books-A-Million
Powells
Indiebound

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When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced. Not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice–she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney’s Fantasia, or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror – my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, ‘Oh, there you are,’ she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an over-sized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit…a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. Of course, when I got home, I found a label which read: ‘Material might become transparent in water.’

If you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I’m there, too… I’ll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

Until then, make sure you catch up on the rest of the H&W Investigations novels–Forsaken by the Others will be here before you know it.

The Others–vampires, werewolves, things that go chomp in the night–don’t just live in nightmares anymore. They’ve joined with the mortal world. And for private investigator Shiarra Waynest, that means mayhem. . .

Have a one night stand with a vampire, and you can end up paying for it for eternity. P.I. Shiarra Waynest, an expert on the Others, knows that better than most. Yet here she is, waking up beside charismatic vamp Alec Royce with an aching head. . .and neck. Luckily, Shia has the perfect excuse for getting out of town–namely, a couple of irate East Coast werewolf packs who’d like to turn her into a chew toy.

On Royce’s suggestion, Shia temporarily relocates to Los Angeles. But something is rotten–literally–in the state of California, where local vampires are being attacked by zombies. Who could be powerful enough to control them–and reckless enough to target the immortal? Following the trail will lead Shia to a terrifying truth, and to an ancient enemy with a personal grudge. . .

“It doesn’t get much better for pure urban fantasy than Jess Haines.” –All Things Urban Fantasy

Pre-order now:

• Amazon / Amazon UK / Amazon Canada
• Barnes & Noble
• Book Depository
• Books-a-Million
• Powells
• IndieBound

Alpha or A-Hole?

by: Brooklyn Ann

Website / Twitter / Facebook

Most romance readers love an Alpha hero. As for me, some melt my heart while others turn my stomach. I also seem to have a problem writing “true Alphas.” I think a lot of that has to do with life experience.

Someone who was really close to me had a thing for dominant men. Really, they were abusive jerks. They controlled who she talked to, where she went, and even how she cut her hair. After years of knowing this woman, I did the opposite and only dated men that I could dominate. Of course it backfired, leaving me with no security and no respect for men…until I met my husband. That relationship was scary at first because I can’t control him in any way. But on the other hand, he never attempts to control me. It’s a good match.

Back to romance novels, the Alpha hero has made great strides over the decades. In the 70′s and 80′s he almost always raped the heroine and sometimes hit her. Those ones made me throw up in my mouth a little. In newer books, he never does that, though he is often so bossy and forceful with his attentions that I roll my eyes and want to hit him over the head with my torque wrench.

But others like many Judith McNaught’s, some of Virginia Henley’s, and almost all of Sherrilyn Kenyon and JR Ward’s make me drool and sigh every page. Still, I have trouble writing such heroes. “Make him more Alpha” my crit partners say. When I succeed, they melt. And it’s no surprise that my “jerk-iest” hero is the unanimous favorite.

I need to find a balance here. What is it about the Alpha male that appeals to readers? What crosses the line from Alpha to asshole?

Bite Me, Your Grace

London’s Lord Vampire Has Problems

Dr. John Polidori’s tale “The Vampyre” burst upon the Regency scene along with Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein after that notorious weekend spent writing ghost stories with Lord Byron.

A vampire crazy broke out instantly in the haut ton.

Now Ian Ashton, the Lord Vampire of London, has to attend tedious balls, linger in front of mirrors, and eat lots of garlic in an attempt to quell the gossip.

If that weren’t annoying enough, his neighbor, Angelica Winthrop has literary aspirations of her own and is sneaking into his house at night just to see what she can find.

Hungry, tired, and fed up, Ian is in no mood to humor his beautiful intruder…

“Ann’s breezy and entertaining debut features strong prose and interesting characters” – Publishers Weekly

“Ann has come up with a charming debut that captures the light and dark of the era. Readers who crave both a classic Regency and a shadowy paranormal will sink their teeth into Ann’s tale, with its engaging characters and light touches, and wonder just what clever tale she’ll come up with next.” – RT Book Reviews

Catch up on the whole series!

1. Bite Me, Your Grace
2. One Bite Per Night (Coming November 5, 2013)
3. Untitled, Coming Soon

Thanks again for stopping by, Brooklyn! Looking forward to reading your next book!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him–but 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
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Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2 The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days–yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter “e,” which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I am so terribly sorry for all of the people who were affected by the Boston Marathon bombings today. 3 people were killed, including an 8 year old child, and over 100 more were injured.

This is a terrible tragedy. This was senseless violence.

We can’t bring back the people who were lost, but there are things we can do to help. Don’t let the bad guys win.

Please donate to a good cause, such as the Red Cross (you can donate $10 via your cell phone by texting REDCROSS to 90999), Doctors Without Borders, Evangelical Lutheran Church, American Jewish World Services, Compassion International, Feed the Children, Firefighters Charitable Foundation, Association for Firefighters and Paramedics, American Federation of Police and Concerned Citizens, and other relief organizations. If you can’t donate money, donate your time, or food, or give blood.  There are a lot of good causes that could use your help right now, and a lot of people could use some comfort–and a friend.

Thank you in advance for anything you can give. 

If you need help, or you’re having a hard time coping, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Boston Mayor’s Hotline for families of victims: 617-635-4500

Boston Police line for witnesses who may have information: 800-494-8477

Locate A Missing Marathon Runner: Google Person Finder / Red Cross Safe and Well

Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 or text TalkWithUs to 66746

TTY for Deaf/Hearing Impaired: 1-800-846-8517

To the people of Boston, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!’”

The teacher had to leave the room.

First, I have to come up with the basic plot because my editor tells me I need to before I get a contract for a book I haven’t written.

Next, I have to figure out how I want the story to start. This is not as easy as it sounds.

Once I know how the story starts, I figure out how I want it to end.

After I have an ending, I start filling in the steps that lead from Point A (beginning) to Point B (ending).

Inspiration strikes.

Then I start writing the story.

After a while, I think I’ve written a good chunk and take a break to work on other projects (read: spend an inordinate amount of time on Twitter or playing Plants vs. Zombies).

 Oh, yeah. I have a deadline. Better do some more work on this, I guess.

Awesome, unexpected idea strikes. Must add that in.

Trouble in paradise. I’ll just skip that troublesome scene/plot point that doesn’t want to resolve for the time being and come back to it later.

Man, this is good shit. Can’t stop now.

Okay, making good progress. Looks like I’ll make the deadline, no problem. I’ll have the time and energy to write some of that story while I’m traveling to/from that convention coming up and can take a break to think about those tricky plot points that sounded so good in my outline but were like pulling teeth to get on paper.

Oh, shit! The deadline is looming and I am nowhere near done.

AUGH. The book is due in a month and my betas/agent haven’t read it yet!

Why does everyone want to talk to me when I have this deadline oh no email no bad inbox bad, bad, BAD.

That plot point isn’t resolved, oh god, deadline, betas, no, no, no, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

MY WORDS. THEY ARE AWFUL. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF, WHYYYYY.

Betas hate so much, oh god, no time to do a full rewrite, oh god, agent doesn’t like that scene, due in 2 days, oh god, oh god, oh god…

Wait. WAIT. I’ve got things under control. This isn’t as bad as I thought. I GOT THIS.

Holy crap, I finished!

Done. Done. DONE! To the editor! Awaaaay!

And that’s how I write a book. Haven’t read my work yet? Find my stuff here.

(Note: I found about 80% of these GIFs on Life In Publishing. If you’re not following it, you should be.)